Really Funny Quotes Biography
This is the second page of some really funny/humorous, cheesy and sarcastic one liners and quotes. My personal favorites which had me smiling real wide the moment I read them. Hope you like them too. Other than that I have included some really funny pictures, some with quotes and some without. See some really cool funny links at the bottom of this page. Really fun!
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.
I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu.
If you were any slower, you'd be going in reverse.
Marriage is the only union that can't be organized. Both sides think they're management.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Worrying works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
How come, when my wife says she needs to talk, it's never about football?
Man is peculiar. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
Old programmers never die. They just lose their memories.
Sometimes, "I'll get back to you on that" means "I'm going to hide under my desk and hope an idea pops into my head."
I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
My idea of a high stress job is any job where you have to work with other people.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time. You won't have a leg to stand on.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
My pc's bark is worse than it's byte.
Bumper Sticker: Older, Wiser and Just Generally More Annoying.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer
If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it?
Caffeine is for people who feel they aren't irritable enough on their own.
I could lend a hand but I prefer to give a finger.
Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.
All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that's their own fault.
Support your local Search and Rescue Unit. Get lost.
Love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when a couple have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sidelines and clap as they go by.
Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.
A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol.
Sign at the Cash Register: IN GOD WE TRUST All others pay cash.
Don't follow in my footsteps. I walk into a lot of walls.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
Love your enemies. Just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of jerks.
Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Born Free........Taxed to Death.
My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of course he could, as long as he didn't take it out of my yard.
Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
What are the days of the vampire week? Moonday, Toothday, Veinday, Thirstday and Frightday
If the economy is slowing down, how come it's so hard for me to keep up with it?
No wonder newborn babies cry. They've got nothing to eat, no clothes and they already owe the government money.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
You should work eight hours, play eight hours and sleep eight hours. But not the same eight hours.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence